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The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1The starlight in my eyes should be enoughto fire the passions. Think of this, my sweet:two hundred billion galaxies (a rough,but educated guess)intensive...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Hey, yol --Like the feel of this a lot. "A trillion moonlights" seems like it should be 'a trillion starbursts' or something close, but i like the imagery of tears as streaks of meteroic light that...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Hi Yol...I like all of this very much and the only thing that caught me off guard was "Like Charon" that is kind of bumpy there...the rest is tres magnifique...Judy

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Hi Chris - One of the best I've seen of yours. Two different problems in these two lines:Each galaxy has untold stars which blazeincessantly, through timeless, lonely years,I'm sure you already know...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Thanks, all.James - I was just thinking logically: if there are billions of stars with planets, there might be a trillion moons orbiting those planets and, hence, a trillion moonlights.Judith - I...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

The title alone made me smile and I enjoyed what followed. The only thing I don't understand is why the tears? Is she that disappointed in her date, Or am I just misreading something?Astronomy gets me...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Thanks, Chris. Yes, I did imagine this to be a rather disappointing date for the lady.Glad you liked it.

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

I should pay more attention to titles, as I was about to question some of the phrasing. I think it works very well. There's the aspect of the disappointed date and the richness/romantic depth of what...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Hi Yol,I think this is deftly done; it just shows you can pull-off a traditional hyperbolic love sonnet without resorting to archaic diction.Two small points - not too keen on 'trillion' - what about...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

I agree about Charon. Again, I don't remember--if I should--why Charon would be "ravishing." But there are so many other mythological characters who would fill the bill: Hylas (male), for example,...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Thanks, Daniel. I'm relieved that it works for you.Thanks, Alan. I'm happy that you like it."trillions": I was going for the escalation from "hundred million" to "trillion", and then for the reduction...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Hi Yol,I realised that Charon is one of Pluto's moons, I just can't see how you can avoid the rather doom-laden mytholigical connotations which also accompany the name....Sharon, well that reminds me...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Ok, I'm prepared to throw "Charon" up in the air for debate: it needs to be (a) the name of a moon, planet or other significant celestial body, and (b) a name that will fit into line 13, without...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Well, there's the planet Venus. But then you run the risk of the reader associating it with the goddess Venus, the Venus de Milo, or a Wagner opera.Jupiter and Saturn have a lot of moons, but almost...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

"You look like Charon, ravishing tonight,"Even through Hubble, Charon hardly is noticible, much less "ravishing."Venus, of course is the brightest of the planets--that's a possiblity. Spica the star...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Thanks Owl and Margaret for those suggestions.As an interim measure, I've thrown in "Venus"(more of a love goddess as well as a close planet), and slighty revised line 13. It looks smoother now, but...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

The voice might be more consistent. The narrator goes from being a "lonely geeky astronomy" who quantifies everything two hundred billion galaxies (a rough,but educated guess) to vague abstractions:...

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Re: The Lonely Astronomer On A Date. REVISION 1

Thanks, Stephen. All points noted.As stated above, I'm considering an overhaul of this. I realised some inconsistencies as I revised it. I'd like to keep the general idea, but make it better.Don't...

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